Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
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[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.