why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
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If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Poetry is my passion
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation