divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
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realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
no their not
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
My whole life was a lie.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
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[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.