“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
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you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
This classic never gets old . . .
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.