You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
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I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie