My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
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The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
kids play hide and seek like
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
time machine? you mean a clock?
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.