The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
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I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.