[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
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BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Spider-cat: No One Home
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
be careful
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Discuss
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance