It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
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By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.