Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
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Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
My sex drive has a dui
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.