41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
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[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.