my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
You Might Also Like
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?