You Might Also Like
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Had a spot of bother earlier.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
[montage of me giving-up]
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.