uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
You Might Also Like
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”