Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
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A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
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wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Lmao
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?