“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
lmao
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.