It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
You Might Also Like
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Me, in DM rooms…
The USS B port
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Gemma Correll
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
I need this for my side hustle.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?