Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
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“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable