[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
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I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you