You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

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Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*


Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.


Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.


I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.


[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A


She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started


In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.


Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry


Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”


Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot