@Florescience Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
@AlexvanBeek You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
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@Florescience 
@OutOfLeftField_ Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
@MakesYouGiggle Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
@whatmaddness I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
@Ygrene [Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
@iwearaonesie She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
@RunOldMan In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
@SamanthaaaReece Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
@JohnMayer Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
@DanMentos Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot