@AlexvanBeek

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

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@Florescience

Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*

@OutOfLeftField_

Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?

Me: I think that’s a myth.

Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.

@MakesYouGiggle

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

@whatmaddness

I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.

@Ygrene

[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A

@iwearaonesie

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

@RunOldMan

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

@SamanthaaaReece

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

@JohnMayer

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

@DanMentos

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot