You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
You Might Also Like
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there