Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
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[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”