[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
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Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Merica.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230