i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
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I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
my first dose meeting my second
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW