if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
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If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
i want to work in this restaurant
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.