I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
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[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Me My dog
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own