TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
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[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
The struggle is real
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?