My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
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whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it