An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
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Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
#gardening
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it