Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
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My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
<- sleeps well with others
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically