Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
You Might Also Like
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!