Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
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[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I self medicate, therefore you live.