Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
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At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…