Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
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Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Breaking news:
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.