I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
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Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
This probably isn’t good
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
first you must answer his riddles
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try