Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
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ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”