Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
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If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.