My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
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I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
who wore it better?
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?