ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
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*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
[shakes fist at other fist]
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!