Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
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I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins