Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
You Might Also Like
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”