interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
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We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.