“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
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I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
What the hell is going on?
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
The biggest mystery of our time
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.