Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
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Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no