Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
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I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
My work here is don’t.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.