Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
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Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
This probably isn’t good
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.