I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
You Might Also Like
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.