Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
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“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour