[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?