My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
the #horror is real!
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”