I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
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Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.